Thursday, April 01, 2010

Amazon Surprise

Posted by Victoria Strauss for Writer Beware

In an unprecedented series of overnight corporate acquisitions, Amazon.com purchased Google, Barnes & Noble, Borders, Author Solutions, Lulu.com, Bertelsmann, Inc., Macmillan, the New York Times Corporation, and 574 other publishing and newspaper related companies.

Google co-founder Sergei Brin is reported as saying "For a while, it looked like Google would be buying Amazon, but they made us an offer we dared not refuse."

The publishing world is bracing for a exceptional period of transition, in which virtually all books, both paper and e-, will be under the thumb of this corporate giant. Industry analysts say that the resulting company, Amgoolubemacorp, will be able to take advantage of economies of scale, especially in the licensing of book rights from authors. "It'll be the only game in town," said Gene Gardner, former VP of Kensington, one of the companies that disappeared last night, taking his job with it. "Authors should get used to the idea that Amgool will adopt the 'you pay us, we don't pay you' school of publishing."

Also anticipated is the rapid transition to an advertising-based financial model, in which customers don't pay for content but are forced to sit through endless commercials at short intervals while they read. "Ideally," said a company spokeperson who wished to remain anonymous, "we'll be able to set up a system in which the whole process, from content acquisition to customer purchase to ad generation, is totally automated, and we can do it without direct human intervention. We'll all be able to go on permanent vacations. Those of us that survive the transition, that is."

Contacted for a reaction to this surprise move by its former digital rival, Apple said it had no comment. But according to a source who asked to be kept anonymous, Apple representatives are currently in top-secret meetings with Random House, the lone holdout on the agency pricing model changeover that kicks in today, and the only major publisher to resist the Amazon takover.

31 comments:

barrettmanor said...

This is exciting news! It means my new book will truly get the chance it deserves!

Judy Croome said...

This is frightening. As Lord Acton said, Power corrupts and absoute power corrupts absolutely. Amazon has far too much power for a single entity. Let's hope it can wield that power with integrity.

Keary Taylor said...

April fools?

Judy Croome said...

Oh wait! Is this an April Fool's day post? Those new corporate names seem a bit "funny". :):)

Lisa_Gibson said...

April Fools...right?! Right?! Hmmmm....

honeysock said...

No, Amazon didn't purchase Google. They bought Topeka.

Katharine Swan said...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is April Fools. Although, I didn't think April Fools jokes were supposed to be scary...?

D. G. Hudson said...

I certainly hope this is a April's Fools Day joke. It just sounds a little too upbeat about such a gross monopoly takeover.

Also, the totally automated process doesn't ring true, but maybe in 50 years or so, it will be.

Please say it isn't so.

Dharma Kelleher said...

And Victoria Strauss has come out and admitted that she was the author of the now-defunk "Miss Snark" blog, much to the consternation of the Kristin Nelson conspiracy theorists.

Kay said...

All those corporations sitting on all that cash -- what did you expect. They were itching to go on a spending spree.

Katie said...

Dear God I nearly had a heart attack after reading the first line. Very very good joke!

Christina said...

OMG! You had me going. You really, really had my heart in my throat. I was utterly under the illusion that the world was coming to an end.

Then, I turned to my husband and said, "What day is this?" Because, it seems that every year you are freakishly good at pulling the best April Fools pranks ever!

Amazon was a great choice by the way. It was very believable.

Jonas Samuelle said...

Hahaha, come on, guys. 'Amgoolubemacorp' would be great.

Leslie said...

Yep. I thought it was for real as well. Terrifying! Ha ha!

Michael A. Emeritz said...

HaHaa! Nice.

GalaktioNova said...

Yeah yeah! April fool!

I didn't believe it for one second :-)) (Mind you, I'm on high April Fool alert all day today :-))

Indigo said...

I have been sold out, bowled over and trampled by April Fool's thus far. And yet again...I'm going to go crawl under the covers until today is over. (Hugs)Indigo

Deb Salisbury said...

ROFL! Well done!

Jeannie said...

Um, Victoria? That should be a Halloween prank, not an April Fools joke.

;-)

barrettmanor said...

Unless someone thinks me a fool (which, you know...) my link was to my April Fool's joke.

Su-sieee! Mac said...

Good one! I even searched on Google to collaborate your truth. LOL!!!

S.M. Carrière said...

Nicely done. Very nicely done!

Anonymous said...

You overdid it on this one. Last year's April Fool story had me going almost to the end when you said you'd be issued with guns, then I got it. But this one was too OTT and I saw through it from line one. Better luck next year!

Faybe Bay said...

This is too funny. I was searching like crazy, my son kept saying it was April Fools, but...
I have been e-mailing LULU for three days and got no response, so... I fell hook line and sinker!
LOL

Victoria Strauss said...

As most of you guessed...April Fool! (Though I did receive several anxious emails from people who weren't quite sure.)

Thanks to everyone for playing along.

Karen Packard Rhodes said...

ROFL! Best laugh I've had all day!

Anonymous said...

"Good one! I even searched on Google to collaborate your truth. LOL!!!"

Grrr! It makes my blood boil. It should be corroborate. If I'd written that you'd be down on me like a ton of bricks but since it's a comment in praise of the post then no one says a thing. Phoneys!

Larry said...

Ha, good April Fools! :D

Lisa said...

I was thinking April Fools, but the name Amgoolubemacorp really pushed me over the edge. The concept would make for a good novel. Any takers?

Julia B said...

Hi. You just about gave me a heart attack. It's April 8, so I didn't even suspect this until I got to Amgoolubemacorp and went - Really?

For the sake of my ailing arteries, could you please just edit this to read April 1st in bold at the top? *lol*

Anonymous said...

Being May 20th, I had no idea this was an April Fools post. I was thinking that name Agoolawhatever was the stupidest name ever and I'd have to get used to it like Ubuntu and once upon a time, google.

-Amanda