Monday, January 12, 2009

Victoria Strauss -- Michele Glance Rooney Strikes Again

Many of you may have noticed that an angry and not very grammatical person calling herself "Firsttimeauthoress" is attempting to hijack the comments thread of my last post. What you may not have noticed is that Ms. Authoress has invaded earlier posts as well (I have this blog set to send all comments to my email address, since people often comment on older posts and I want to make sure I see them all). Here are some samples of Ms. Authoress's distinctive prose stylings, which I'm reproducing, mistakes and all, partly because I think they're amusing, and partly because she may try to delete them:

On Author Solutions Acquires Xlibris:

You people just love lording it around. You take delight in making publishing seem impossible to rub it in that you got published while most people don't. to you, everyone is a scammer, a crook, a thief. You say writer's digest is a joke but then admit that you've contributed. You ruin the reputations of good, hardworking people just out of sheer sadistic delight. 99% of what your right has no legal foundation at all. Your blogs arer sprinkled with 'may have to pay' 'might be liable to pay damages.' etc but nothing ever comes of it all. My blog shows that we don't all need to follow your corrupt paths. there are peopleout there willing to help. fisttimeauthoress.blogspot.com

On Light Sword Publishing Petitions for Bankruptcy:

Yawn! Another story about 'corrupt' publishers. Grrr! It makes me mad. You're so much about naming names. Can you give me the name of ONE, just one, agent or publisher that will actually look at a person's book without rejecting it? You guys are the catholic church of publishing. Only our way is right and anyone else is a scammer, a crook... In our current economic climate, everyone from banks to car companies are going under, but when it's a 'vanity' publisher it just has to be a premeditated scam. Have you ever heard of capitalism? Some companies actually do go under in hard times of recession. Anyway, in the true spirit of Writer Beware democracy, my comments will be deleted and I'll be banned from posting again. The true spirit of this site. The brown noses are all on first name terms, any dissenters are mad, scammers, crooks and banned! For the truth, see firsttimeauthoress.blogspot proof that you can make it the 'unconventional' way.

On Jones Harvest Publishing Redux:

Another non-issue. Everyone from my local supermarket to the Chinese restaurant to the car wash to Amazon send out e-mails and fliyers to advertise their products and services. Does this make them crooks? Ah, but if it's someone in publishing that the bloggers here don't like, it becomes a sinister criminal activity. My heart's with you Brien Jones, another reputation built up out of lifelong hard work is ruined by these heartless women who just love to destroy people. My agent has suffered similar attacks from the likes of them, but soldiers on. My hefty check is proof of it.

And most recently, on How Not to Epublish:

All thge flunkeys that bow to these women are dorks. All sucking up thinking that one day she will get their books published for them. She'll never help yo. Her goal inlife i sto lord it over you that she got publshed but that YOU didn't. Thats why she runs this blog: to make people feel bad about failing. She loves to plug her (mediocre) books and rub them in your face! I'm going to write to Bill Maher to get him to do a piece on you people, so that you can be exposed for what you really are! He exposes ultra capitalists like a bodily function. You destroy the reputations of honest hard working Americqans and think you can get away with it. Then we'll see who thinks they're so smart! You'll be on real time in february to account for why you contribute (for HUGE bucks) to the sites that you claimare frauds like yourself. Let's see you explain that one away....

Plus other comments in that vein. As you'll notice, Ms. Authoress has some grammar and spelling problems, something she explains by claiming that she's so choked with emotion over her hefty advance check that she can't write straight.

Who, oh who, can Ms. Authoress be, and why does she have such a major hair up her ass?

Well, let's pay a little visity-poo to her Blogger profile. There, we learn that she has two blogs: Firsttimeauthoress and Seriousscifiwriter. Both blogs (which curiously, despite Ms. Authoress's impressive facility with the English language, are on the Portuguese version of Blogger), have just one entry. Each of these solo entries extols the virtues of a wonderful, wonderful literary agent, who has just sold these first-time authors' debut novels...the very same agent, in fact.

"Michele Glance Rooney, thank you. [sic] thank you God for making her come alive," Firsttimeauthoress rhapsodizes. "After years in the wilderness, I finally received by registered mail this morning the hefty check for my first sale." Says Seriousscifiwriter, who is, well, more serious: "I started writing science fiction for fun, but as time went by, I felt something stir inside me. This what what I wantd [sic] to do, what I had to do to answer some terrible calling from deep down inside. And as the plot unravelled [sic], I felt a sense of achievement. My hero, Dagmar, trapped in a time loop. It was hard to extricate him from that before he journeyed back to the dawn of time, but I managed it. It's such a lonely task, writing and wondering if you can make the cut, if someone will want to read it. But if you have someone like Michele Glance Rooney by your side, things can work out just fine."

Hmmm. Michele Glance Rooney. Regular readers of this blog may hear a bell ringing. They may be thinking, "Hey, isn't Michele Glance Rooney a fee-charger who has been covered a number of times in the Writer Beware blog? Isn't Michele Glance Rooney the agent who tries to find clients via out-of-the-blue email solicitations? Wasn't Michele Glance Rooney the one who attempted to promote her services through a fake news blog and fake author blogs? Didn't Michele Glance Rooney start a new literary agency under an alias a couple of years back? Isn't Michele Glance Rooney included on Writer Beware's Thumbs Down Agency List?"

Well, yeah. If that's what you're thinking, you're absolutely correct. And if you're also thinking that "Firsttimeauthoress" and "Seriousscifiwriter" are Michele Glance Rooney's latest foray into fake blog identities, I'd say you were correct there too. (Ms. Authoress, natch, vehemently disagrees).

Michele Glance Rooney, you need to cover your tracks better. And for God's sake, get poor Dagmar out of that time loop!

(The long list of blogs Michele maintains, both fake and in her own name, can be seen at her two separate Blogger profiles. She is also touting her PR services as Great Lakes Sales and Public Relations.)

132 comments:

Victoria Strauss said...

Whoops. Ms. Authoress, obviously anticipating ridicule, has just deleted the "firsttimeauthoress" and "seriousscifiwriter" blogs quoted above. Oh well. I promise they were there yesterday.

December/Stacia said...

*facepalm*

Aside from all the other terrible crazy...


DAGMAR IS A GIRL'S NAME.


It is, in fact, my daughter's name.


Jeebus. Do you think it would be too hard to change it now that she's seven?

pws said...

Wow. Just... wow.
Thank you as always for bringing this... person to our attention.

Geekomancer said...

*snicker*

Looking at some of her sites and emails... red flags all the way. Tripod? AOL?

Yowch!

firsttimeauthoress said...

The blog was in the Portuguese version because I was in Rio with my wonderful husband Norbert on a second honeymoon. Last night, back home in our local bistro with the rain lashing down outside and the biting wind straining the window pains, we commented on how much we missed the warm sunshine. I may use these contrasts as inspiration for my second novel, who knows? Over a bottle of claret and a fillet mingon (French for steak for those of you who haven't studied exotic languages) tonight, we may discuss the plot and make an outline of it. My husband helps, but in the end Ihave to sit down and pound away at the keyboard on my own. My writing comes right from my sole.

As for Dagmar, yes there are names that change over the years or from country to country. Michele is a girl's name in English and a boy's name in French (Michel). As a sci-fi story is set in the future, it's perfectly conceivable that changes take place. J. R. Ewing's brother was called Hilary and so is President Clinton's wife! I mean J. R. Tolkien of The Hobbit fame.

Dharma Kelleher said...

The writing comes straight from her sole? I thought something smelled fishy.

Tell us, firsttimeauthoress, what have you published? I'd love to read it.

firsttimeauthoress said...

And I haven't deleted my blog. It's temporarily down for maintinance.

Victoria Strauss said...

Over a bottle of claret and a fillet mingon (French for steak for those of you who haven't studied exotic languages)

Or don't know how to spell them.

Do watch out for those window pains. They hurt if they break.

Anonymous said...

All the blogs of these 'authors' are full of people getting plastered. It's champagne, wine, rivers of booze. Is this woman running an agency or a shortcut to rehab? And they all seem to dine at a bistro, whatever that is!

December/Stacia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
December/Stacia said...

On second thought, there's no point. The only one here who doesn't see it, is the one saying it.

AC said...

"fillet mingon"! Priceless! Please tell me someone is pulling our chain because that entire comment is the funniest thing I've read in the blog comments ever.

Firsttimeauthoress, I also would like to see what you've published, or what MGR has represented. If you're as good as you say you are, that would go a long way toward silencing your critics.

Sally Zigmond said...

I haven't laughed so much in weeks. Firsttimeauthoress: you are priceless!

Only, if firsttimeauthoress is a nom de plume (that's French. I speak several exotic languages) for a scamming agent called Michele Glance Rooney, and sue me if you're not, you're not funny at all.

nightsmusic said...

I have been a long time lurker but thought it funny enough to comment that, if MGR is in fact, in Birmingham, Michigan, she must have many reality problems. I'm 20 miles from there and we've got at least a foot of snow here and it hasn't been over 27 in three days. I wasn't aware that rain would lash anything in those temperatures...

On another note, thank you for everything you do! I have learned much in the time I've been reading your blog. :)

Darlene said...

>>My writing comes right from my sole.<<

Yeah, I've scraped stuff off of my shoes too. It happens.

Jane Smith said...

I saw both of firsttimeauthoress's blogs, and thought they were... extraordinary. I didn't know that users could bring their blogger blogs could be "down for maintenance" but hey, it's good to know next time I feel like painting my blogs' windows. And as for filet mingon: I want some now. It has a vaguely Star Trek feel to it, which reaches down to the bottom of my Dover soles.

Thank you, Victoria, for this lovely piece. I needed a good laugh and you--with the fabulous help of Michele Glance Rooney, scam agent extraordinaire (hey, look, I can do exotic too!) have provided me with a good one.

(By the way, I'm going to copy her post here so I can read it when I need to cheer myself up. It's fabulous. If only she'd tried comedy writing she might have found herself a good career.)

(Word verification: brethies. As in, I need to take some nice deep ones now.)

firsttimeauthoress said...

You people can be really cruel and nasty. As an artist, I'm very sensistive and my feelings are hurt, wounded to the core. And when did I say I lived in Birmingham, Michigan? You all know how to hurt a person's feelings, kick them when they're down and vulnerable. But I have my wonderful husband Norbert coming home to me every night and we have great dinners and clarets together (and in this cold weather a nice glass of brandy afterwords to ward off the night air). Not many of you can say that. So there! And the blog will be back up tomorrow, new and renovated. I didn't delete it, it's just down for upgrading and rewconfiguration. I don't chicken out, THAT I promise you. Well, now I've got to get ready for Norbert's homecoming, always my favorite moment of the day, much better than being aLONE, that I guarantee you. And he looks like Robert Colbert, who used to be Dr. Doug Philips in The Time Tunnel, quite an uncanny resemblence, I might add. Without his support, my sensitive nature would never have made it in this cutthroat business.

Victoria Strauss said...

I'm starting to think that Michele has a sense of humor after all.

Sally Zigmond said...

We are all sensitive here. Which is why we don't take kindly to scammers and crooks and the horrible things you've said about Victoria and her colleagues here who are doing a lot of good.

If you can't take it, then don't dish it out in the first place.

And you still haven't told us about your novel.

nightsmusic said...

Hmmm...interesting...MGR is based in Birmingham, MI (I hang my head in shame for my state) and, from her/your 'bio', was a reporter for the Freep for many years. Wonder why I didn't see your name anywhere, even though I've been a long time reader.

Oh, and it's "afterward", not afterwords...but then, if your claiming to be such a brilliant artist/author, you should know that.

Jane Smith said...

"I'm starting to think that Michele has a sense of humor after all."

I hope so. Otherwise I'm going to have to start reading her comments here in a whole new light.

(She did MEAN them to be that funny, didn't she?)

Anonymous said...

It's rather like being stuck in traffic on the highway, creeping along at 10 mph because we all have to rubberneck at the huge (and grotesque) multi-car wreck in the far left lane...

Must...look...away...!

Jane Smith said...

Nope, I think it's more like watching X-Factor auditions on TV. I mean, what WERE those people thinking when they said they could sing?

ALC said...

I can't help but wonder if she's re-doing the blogs because someone "ahem" left comments on it that would point out all of the red flags to any innocent passers-by who happened along.

firsttimeauthoress said...

When my blog reopens tomorrow, it will be like 22nd century hip hop: avant-garde and to the fore! I do not indulge in opaque argot. And there will be details about my book (what my publisher allows me to say, it's just their clearance I'm waiting for due to fears of people rushing a similar idea to press and cheating me of my just rewards; the web is crawling with people out to knock off your ideas). For now I can tell you this: the book is called The Northern Sky, although this may be subject to change. I'd stick with this title but not everyone is crazy about it. They want something more splashy, like a brick dropping in a bathtup, but I'm resisting any tweaks to my text. The title refers to the Shetland Islands in the north of Scotland and is set in the early nineties (I said I'd been years in the wilderness) but now has a comfortable pre-internet feel that can only revive the nostalgia ridden instincts of romantic women everywhere. My heroine's father is a traditionalist who wants to marry her off to a local old soak, but she is overwhelmed by heartfelt and heart rendering love for the new dashing young pilot who keeps alive the vital trade link between Shetland and the Norwegian and Scottish mainlands. There are sizzling jiggly jerkjerk love scenes with jostling between the sheets, intertwined with hallucinating descriptions of the local landscape. Can Michaela capture her beau, or will she be forced to obey her aging senile father's wishes that she marry the local tweed producer? Only time will tell in this cliffhanging page turner! Setting my next novel in sultry Rio will be a welcome contrast. I love describing the climate. Love is in the air in distant Unst! I learned that you should never say "The Shetlands" because the locals hate that. You have to say either "Shetland" or "The Shetland Islands". People can be such sticklers.

And with this teaser we come to a close. And by the by, I got your jokes about sole and soul and window pains. Yeah, any little slip and you're down on my like a ton of bricks, although I note you don't do that to the in crowd when they make mistakes, but okay. I can afford to be magnanimous in victory.

And I've decided not to go with the steak tonight. I'll go Italian instead. And no claret. A glass of Guiness instead.

Melissa said...

What cracks me up the most about this is how she assumes the rest of us are alone and, obviously, eating poorly.

Let's see... Last night I had a cup of shrimp bisque, Filetto con Gorgonzola (Italian, if you're keeping track of exotic languages), amazing garlic mashed potatoes, sauteed veggies, and a risotto with broccoli, tomato, and goat cheese, all complimented by a delightful red Tuscan blend wine. No dessert -- who needed it after that?!

My husband -- yep, got one of those too -- is an absolutely amazing chef who not only does all the cooking, but the shopping and cleaning up as well.

Oh, and I'm published too. Writer Beware rocks!

ALC said...

Interesting. I've never before heard of a publisher denying the author the "right" to tell people they are being published by them. Also, I might point out that even if you were concerned about someone ripping off your idea (you know, the idea that you just spelled out in great detail & attrocious spelling, grammar & general word mis-use), someone would have to take the time to write a rip-off, polish it, find representation & get ANOTHER publishing house to publish it - all BEFORE your book came out - in order to steal your thunder.

You may claim to be well traveled (perhaps you are & are just completely incompetent when it comes to the English language), but from reading your comments I have to assume that the furthest from the country you've ever managed is across the bridge into Canada for the evening or weekend.

I'm glad that someone took a crayon and made a nice diagram to explain the whole issue w/ sole/soul - pain/pane, etc. Too bad you didn't catch all the others.

I can only hope that info you use to lure in inexperienced writers is as badly written & error riddled.

Inkpot said...

Oh dear, my sides hurt now from all the laughter. I thought my favourite was Writer Beware being the Catholic Church of publishing but I think 'all my writing comes right from my sole' surpasses it. I also like the confusion between J.R Ewing and J.R.R Tolkien. I often confuse them myself, especially when it comes to the question 'Who shot J.R?' Anywhoo, my question is - what has happened to Dagmar and has he got trapped in a time loop in the shetland islands???

Victoria Strauss said...

My heroine's father is a traditionalist who wants to marry her off to a local old soak, but she is overwhelmed by heartfelt and heart rendering love for the new dashing young pilot who keeps alive the vital trade link between Shetland and the Norwegian and Scottish mainlands.

Heart rendering. This has got to be satire, especially given the discussion of that particular malapropism in the comments string of one of my recent posts.

Through the magic of Google cacheing:

Firsttimeauthoress's blog

Seriousscifiwriter's blog

AC said...

Ya'll. Seriously. There's no way this commenter is real. "opaque argot?" "sizzling jiggly jerkjerk love scenes?" Somebody is jerking our chains.

Jane Smith said...

"Firsttimeauthoress": listen to me, I'm an editor. It's "the Shetland Isles", not "the Shetland Islands"; and it's "heart rending", not "heart rendering". Just so you know.

I'll leave the rest of your typos so as not to make too big an issue of this: but really. You're meant to be a writer*. Get it right.


*You'll note I'm giving you the benefit of doubt here, and not automatically assuming you're really Michele Glance Rooney, the scam agent who has never made a decent sale in her life. Just to be clear, right?

Victoria Strauss said...

AC, I agree. I think that either Michele's other personality (the one that can sort of spell) has kicked in, or someone has hacked into her Blogger profile.

nightsmusic said...

Um...when you, 1sttime, state this on one of your blogs:

***My hero, Dagmar, trapped in a time loop. It was hard to extricate him from that before he journeyed back to the dawn of time, but I managed it.***

Are you referring to this, which you stated here?

***The title refers to the Shetland Islands in the north of Scotland and is set in the early nineties***

because as far as I remember, the "dawn of time" goes back a tad farther than the early nineties.

Maybe my memory is bad.

Jane Smith said...

Nightmusic, for me "the dawn of time" refers to the mid 1980s when music was at its best and I was at my thinnest. Anything after that is history. But I'm showing my age now, along with my real name. I wonder what firsttimeauthoress's real name is? I'm not willing to stake any money on someone else getting it right before I do.

Janet said...

FWIW, Michele (or Michelle) is a girl's name in French too. Michel is the boy's name, the equivalent of Michael.

Janet who actually speaks French

You know, you've really got to admire Michele's creativity. She's obviously trolling for the undereducated and naive, and she's doing a pretty effective job of it here in the comment thread. Anybody who identifies with her would have to be both under-educated and extremely naive, and would probably buy her story hook, line, and sinker. All of us are meanies picking on the sincere emotional woman who is finally living her dream and who has the spunk to confront her tormentors, and who isn't so narrow-minded as to quibble about "minor" errors in grammar and spelling.

Georgie B said...

Wow.

Does FTA/MGR actually say anything worthwhile?

I promise not to go on a tangent, but this person definitely reminds me of few certain types who permeate the chat rooms and who manage to say alot without saying anything.

Thanks for the heads up on this "fascinating" individual.

BuffySquirrel said...

Truthfully, if I was wondering anything it was in which direction that hefty check went....

(word ver: oodiest)

Anonymous said...

There are sizzling jiggly jerkjerk love scenes with jostling between the sheets, intertwined with hallucinating descriptions of the local landscape. Can Michaela capture her beau, or will she be forced to obey her aging senile father's wishes that she marry the local tweed producer?

OMG, can I borrow your bong? Mine's not working right.

Jane Smith said...

As for firsttimeauthoress's insistence "And I haven't deleted my blog. It's temporarily down for maintinance", I have two things to say.

I misquoted you: I said that you'd said they were "down for maintenance". You didn't, I was wrong. You said that they were "temporarily down for maintinance". So sorry.

And according to Blogger (which actually runs our blog accounts, and really should know how things are) your blogs are not "temporarily down for maintinance", they've both been removed. What a shame: we were all so looking forward to reading more about Norbert, Dagmar and your wonderful publishing deal.

BuffySquirrel said...

And hey, I know the Shetlands are a little behind the rest of the UK, but I don't think even in the '90s it was possible to force a young woman there to marry against her will.

Unless it's meant to be the 1890s?

Jane Smith said...

"I don't think even in the '90s it was possible to force a young woman there to marry against her will."

Perhaps she was a sheep. It's the only explanation I can come up with.

BuffySquirrel said...

Ah. Sheep romances being a niche market doesn't explain the top publisher, but does explain why the book isn't listed on Amazon.

(word ver: nonssne)

December/Stacia said...

Are there awards for that kind of thing? Because seriously, I cannot remember the last time I read a synopsis that funny.

It reminds me of when I was twelve and writing a Dramatic Family Saga, and included, in a decription of the grandfather character, the line: "Although he was insane, he still cut a compelling figure, standing by the window in his straightjacket."

I do think firsttimeauthoress has that one beat.

Anonymous said...

Sheep! That would explain it: it's "sizzling jiggly jerkjerk love scenes with jostling between the sheep", not the "sheets"! And perhaps that explains the hallucinating landscape as well.

We should stop this. It's too akin to shooting fish in a barrel.

firsttimeauthoress said...

Well, we decided to go with the boeuf bourgignon instead. Softer, melts in the mouth. Delicious. Along with a heaped plate of french fries (home made).

Tomorrow the blog will be back online at 9 a.m. Eastern Time and any different information from blogger can only be due to a glitch in the system. I give you my word that it will be up and running. Check it out at http://firsttimeauthoress.blogspot.com

The first attraction will be the comic relief section of the story. Michaela has a nightmare in which she sees her unwanted sixty-eight-year-old fiancé naked, making advances to her. His sagging pex, his flabby biceps flapping in the breeze and the unresponsive limp biskit are hilarious. Although it was a nightmare scene, I managed to make it funny, quite an achievement with which I had special help. However, when Armando the Norwegian pilot shows up, the scene becomes a real humpety frumpety full of fondling, frisking and floosying, real hot stuff, so far out that it's on its way back! (Heeeeeere's Lucy!) As they crane and connive their bodies in a succulent session of seductive stomping, you find yourself shouting 'Jumping Jehoshaphat!' It's just that bleeding good. Not many men like Armand appear on remote Shetland islands, population 103. So you can imagine how he fans into flame the longing lust of wanton Michaela. She's young and ready and willing, although shy and reticent. A fiery combination.

As for Dangmar, the guy in the time loop, that's another story. He'll be back but for now my priority is The Northern Sky, my oldest and dearest writing, the one that really means so much to me. Of course, I don't want to publish both under the same name because you can't have sci-fi fans knowing that you write (what they would call) soppy love stories. But you should see my time travel method. A little bit of borrowing from Back to the Future but what the heck, it's original as they come!

So, you asked for details about my books and you got 'em! Right on!

nightsmusic said...

@Jane, ROFL! Sheep! Good thing I'd just swallowed my coffee! And FWIW, I can make you feel better :) The dawn of time for me was in the early 70's, when I was thin, life was good and...oh, yes! My bong still worked too.

Maybe anonymous and I can share? :)

I'm still trying to figure out why we keep getting her menu. Maybe they've substituted food for sex in their relationship and it's driven her insane because that's the only thing that would explain how someone this bad at writing could ever hope to be legitimately published.

Word verification: diffs...well, we all have them, some are based in the real world though...

Marian said...

What a sense of humor!
I feel I ought to thank her,
Once she's finished with her meal
And darling Norbert spanks her.

Or is it Dagmar's turn tonight?
It's certain to be sizzling!
Filletio mingon 'twixt the sheets
When Scottish skies are drizzling.

I hope the next instalment is
As lengthy and as loony
As all the other fictions seen
From Authoress and Rooney.

Victoria Strauss said...

Marian, you're a genius.

Ghost Girl said...

Boy, I needed a good laugh, and this sent me right over the top!!

(I don't know what happened to my first comment...maybe fta deleted it) :)

I'm sure I read this story somewhere before...oh yes, in my pile of critiques about a year ago. Only, I don't think there were quite so many typos.

Hand me that bong!

I went to college with a Norbert...but with all this claret and red meat, you're not fooling anyone Hannibal!

And about being so sensitive and vulnerable...what gives? What about that great book deal and the "hefty check"?

Well...I'm off to get my 2-book deal...

Jill Elaine Hughes said...

firsttimeauthoress, please tell me what you're smoking. So I can have some, too.

And by the way, illiterate monkeys with broken typewriters working at the bottom of a black hole would be better writers than you are.

Scammer. There is a special place in hell for people who do what you do. And it's called federal prison.

Randall said...

It has got to be a satire. At least the comments in this entry; I haven't looked at the others.

BTW, has anyone told Making Light? I got the impression that Patrick could use a laugh.

firsttimeauthoress said...

Hi Melissa. You said:

Let's see... Last night I had a cup of shrimp bisque, Filetto con Gorgonzola (Italian, if you're keeping track of exotic languages), amazing garlic mashed potatoes, sauteed veggies, and a risotto with broccoli, tomato, and goat cheese, all complimented by a delightful red Tuscan blend wine. No dessert -- who needed it after that?!

Sauteed veggie, risooto? Must be one hell of a soup kitchen you've got in your neighborhood! Or are you working in Brad Pitt's back kitchen?

firsttimeauthoress said...

Jill Elaine Hughes! well, that's the name of a frustrated authoress if ever there was one! I don't smoke. But I have a wonderful husband whose a wealthy american industrialist, very successful. We had a wonderful Medoc claret tonight. More than you can say! Failed writer. Pity, but although you make me the Scooter Libby of publishing, I've got it maid and you haven't, so there! And Norbert is awaiting me now, so I have better things to do.

firsttimeauthoress said...

And Jill Elaine Hughes wants what 'I' am smoking! A self-confessed junky if ever there was one. But I'll smoke some salmon tomorrow and remember you while I eat it 9with my wonderful husband Norbert, my pillar of strength, while your junkey boyfriend beats you up!

But really, I can't spare more time for you. My husband, wonddrful husband Norbertr, is waiting for me, for a wonderful night togehter. But not at a soup kitchen.

firsttimeauthoress said...

And my book has over three hundred advance orders! Smoke that Jiilly! My husband who is a wealthy American industrialist has promised that over a hyundred ofhis employees alone have pre ordered my book! Watch out in September for the northern sky on the nyt best seller list! Beat that POds!

firsttimeauthoress said...

And it's complemented not complimentde! Somehow no ther flunkie picked up on that one! And th eblog is up again in teh morning! then you'll see, then you'll all have to heat humblel pie - on the rocks!

nightsmusic said...

Looks to me from the deterioration of 1st time's posts that her wine and meds aren't mixing very well.

Maybe her wealthy American industrialist husband needs to call the white wagon...

Oh, and actually, it's complimented...where are those monkeys when you need them?

firsttimeauthoress said...

Hey, Nightshade, you wouldn't know a Medoc if it got up and gave you a haircut! And it's complemented, okay? And no sooupkitchens for me., i am the wife of a successful fabulously wealthy American industrialist who loves me and agve all the support I needed to see my book in print.

firsttimeauthoress said...

And what's the deal with Jill Elaine Hughes? She seems to be hiding some big scar on her face or soemthing! Yeah, now I get it, we all get it. When my book hits the shelves, you'll all be ducking for cover! But you'll never keepme down, I'm ready for you, water pistol and all!

nightsmusic said...

Um...*points up to name*

Monkeys indeed!

time for me to leave the train wreck behind...

ALC said...

Is anyone else enjoying this tirade as much as I am? I really needed a good laugh. :)

Oh, & FTA, if you actually WERE a writer with a newly signed deal for a first novel I would have to point out that there couldn't be a single pre-order for your novel as yet. You "allegedly" just signed your contract. Pre-orders can't be made for a book that won't even be published for another year or two. For that matter, it couldn't happen even if your book was being published THIS September. Your publisher won't have gotten that far yet, dearie.

Honestly, see a doctor. You need help.

firsttimeauthoress said...

Hey lug, i got my check iver a month ago and the contract was signed well before that. So there are pre orders. gottit?

And my sizzling lovescenese seem to have got yuu jealous. Humpety frumpety, etc.! But i think you didn't read my previous posts. If you did, you'd know im onto a winner! Now Norbert needs me. Good night, soup kitchen patrons!

ALC said...

How could your contract have been signed well before that when your blog which was originally posted on Dec 3rd said that you "would be" signing the contract not that you "had signed". I believe you mentioned being in some sort of rapture about the impending event.

In any case, dearie, it still doesn't work that way. You'd still not have a venue for pre-orders.

What, your publisher doesn't have professional editors to pour over your MS to check for errors (which, from reading your comments, I imagine must number in the tens of thousands), plot holes that might need filling or otherwise addressing, etc. ???

You've honestly never learned a thing about how book publishing really works, have you?

But, please, by all means, keep the Norbert mythos alive.

Mimzy said...

I have to admit I started crying, I was laughing so hard. I don't know what it was, the 22nd century "avant-garde" hip hop or Firsttime insisting that everyone that isn't her must be eating at a soup kitchen.

I salute you Firsttime! Only you could be so bitter and rude, and yet cause so much hilarity.

Victoria Strauss said...

Folks, Ms. Authoress is trying to game us. Perhaps we could let her talk to herself for a while.

Anonymous said...

What's the obsession with 'Scooter' Libby all about? Exactly what is it supposed to mean to be the 'Scooter Libby of publishing'?

Anonymous said...

This book is so intriguing I just have to read it! '...flabby biceps flapping in the breeze'? (is the old guy naked on a hilltop?) '22nd century hip hop'? Is that what they're listening to in Unst these days? 'Humpety frumpety' (is that before or after the jiggly jerkjerking and jumping jehoshaphats?)

And if you 'borrowed' from Back to the Future, how can it be as original as it gets?

Must be some book! I wish to pre-order now! I'll be 301st in line...

Anonymous said...

And I love the 'fabulously wealthy American industrialist' thing. I've never heard anyone describe themselves like that, not even when they are real fabulously wealthy American industrialists!

You should get all these rants together and make them into a book.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm one of ***those*** people who drop by occasionally and never say anything, but today I had a great laugh reading through all this thread! i was intrigued by this sentence from ftb:

When my blog reopens tomorrow, it will be like 22nd century hip hop: avant-garde and to the fore! I do not indulge in opaque argot.

What is opaque argot, and how do you indulge in it?

RJ

Kyle said...

I'd like to point out that it is now 9:35 AM EST and http://firsttimeauthoress.blogspot.com is still not up.

Such a shame, I was so looking forward to the hilarity reading it would provide.

Anonymous said...

Hey Kyle, last night, judging by the deterioration of her posts, she must have gone one over the eight and is still sleeping it off. Merlot doesn't agree with her it seems, although she did say that she and the beloved Norbert would be downing a few glasses of brandy to ward off the cold, so...

But Norbert will fetch her some tomato juice from the bistro. then she can get her blog up and running once again!

RJ

nightsmusic said...

Argot is jargon or slang. But I'm still trying to figure out how it could be opaque...

Incidentally, fta, Medoc is a Bordeaux, and I would hope you would have known those types of wines don't know how to use scissors. So I'll keep getting my hair cut at the salon, thanks. :)

Kristi Holl said...

My morning was starting to drag, and then this. Thanks for the funniest read I've had all month. 8-)
Kristi Holl
Writer's First Aid blog

Anonymous said...

Several years ago I began receiving emails from one Michelle Rooney, extolling the virtues of my writing (when she'd never seen a line of it) and begging for an opportunity to provide me representation out in the big, bad literary marketplace.

I immediately copied the emails to Ann Crispin who confirmed my suspicions about Ms. Rooney's success and honesty as an agent.

Oh, but that I had never listened! I too could be sitting in a restaurant about to ingest delicacies such as fillett mingon (don't mistake the pronunciation--it's MEN-GONE). Man, I probably missed the ice-cold Ripple, too.

Anonymous said...

well, surprise, surprise, the blog is actually back at firsttimeauthoress.blogspot.com the first post is about Sarah Palin! And she says you can post comments FREE OF CHARGE! This is hilarious!

Toga said...

Thank you for doing this blog. I don't comment nearly often enough to thank you for sharing your information and findings. I appreciate your work as I work towards completing my novel.

I did't realize until today how many hits you take for sharing this information - which prompted this post. Wow. Just wow.

Thank you again for Writer Beware!

nightsmusic said...

OMG! ROFLMAO!!!

Quote from her blog!

**Michaela has been out in the frost all day farming sheep and things like that and she gets home at night and makes a big bowel of hot porridge and sprinkles it with sugar,**

OMG!!!

Percy Bisque Silly said...

I once had an affair with Michelle in London, though she will deny it.

Our love child, Dagmara, today lives in Paris, where she studies aroma therapy at the Sorbonne.

p.n. elrod said...

1st-time--it's a shame that Norbert has you all to himself.

Read all your posts.

That mess you see and the sound you heard was from my head exploding.


Victoria--thank you for your patience with this Twinkie.

But you owe me a keyboard, woman!

Anonymous said...

And she says she drank MERDOC last night. Anyone with her supposed knowledge of exotic languages must know how *shitty* that would taste. Hey, fta, look up merde, mierda, merda, etc. in your exotic languages and see what you're drinking!!!

And she says Sarah Palin will drag us out of the WHOLE we're in.

Oh yeah, and I posted my comment FOR FREE!

Anonymous said...

The first chapter, or part of it, has been posted. Her heroine wants to go to Norway to see all the Fords!

Kyle said...

The first chapter is pure comedy gold. Bravo, firsttimeauthoress, bravo. Your book will surely rocket to the top of the bestseller list.

Wait, what do you mean it isn't a parody?

Anonymous said...

Get out from behind that pen name "Firsttimeauthoress". Share your real name and let us know who bought that novel of yours. If Michele has sworn off her evil ways it's something our readers deserve to know (and you claim to be holding the evidence).

Anonymous said...

**Michaela has been out in the frost all day farming sheep and things like that and she gets home at night and makes a big bowel of hot porridge and sprinkles it with sugar,**

Well, yeah--it's called haggis. Isn't this story set in Scotland?

On a more serious note, I've been thinking that you have to feel at least vaguely sorry for this person--what kind of mental illness is she suffering from? Do you suppose all scammers are at least slightly psyhcotic, in addition to being sociopaths?

Victoria Strauss said...

Here's what I think is going on.

- Following a tactic she has used before, Michele Glance Rooney writes up some fake blogs trying to promote herself as a literary agent.

- Michele, or perhaps some of her family members (yes, I know who you are), decide to leave some nasty messages on my blog because I am an eeeevil exposer of schemes and scams. Unfortunately, they do so with Michele's fake Blogger identity, which leads back to her fake blogs.

- I figure it out. It takes me a nanosecond. I write up this blog post and put it online.

- Whoops. Michele and crew are outed. What to do? Slink away into the night? Make a big righteous "your head is up your ass, lady, and I'm gonna sue you for defamation" fuss? Cover their tracks by pretending it was all a big joke?

- Bingo. The satirical comments here begin (written, I'm guessing, by at least two different people). Now the Firsttimeauthoress blog (Seriousscifiwriter remains offline) has been turned into a joke blog, to further the pretense. Ha ha ha! We did it for the lulz! Dumb Writer Beware readers, for taking it all seriously!

Uh huh.

Anonymous said...

This book is a golden nugget! And to think that she was afraid of being ripped off by someone who would 'steal' her idea! Precious, aboslutely precious. Yeah, go on, make my day!

I hope there's another chapter tomorrow!

But i still don't get the Scooter Libby thing...

Anonymous said...

Maybe Armando, the Norwegian pilot will turn out to be Scooter Libby fleeing justice in the U.S. of A!

Please, tell me more, I'm hooked.

And where is this publisher who signed up for bowels of porridge and who wants to go to Norway to see the Fords Is that Henry Ford?

Anonymous said...

Hey maybe Scooter Libby and Henry Ford are in cahoots! After all, Mr. Ford WAS a wealthy American industrialist...

Anonymous said...

Victoria, please stop talking about sueing. She'd have to be able to afford a lawyer for that, or at least know what a lawyer is! That's not going to happen!

C.E. Petit said...

FTA, this is your new "roommate" Martha. She's a weightlifter, cancer survivor, and used to be in the same industry as MGR. See 18 U.S.C. §§ 1841, 1843.

ALC said...

Victoria,
Thanks for the wonderful work that you & the other scam-busters do on our behalf.
I'm bored w/ the whole MGR subject now. Do you have anything new & exciting to post on another subject yet? Or anything of minor interest? (I mean, just to steer the blog away from the insanity. It was entertaining for a while.)
Again, you're a gem! I enjoy all of your blog posts. Thanks so much!!!

Sally Zigmond said...

Well said, ALC.

The joke has worn thin and I feel soiled. As I always do when I come up against slimeballs.

Anonymous said...

http://micheleglancerooney.blogspot.com/

Yet another blog claiming to have 'ten secrets' for writing a great query. Actually it peters out at number 6 with a lone little 5 at the bottom of the page. The labels are 'literary agent' and 'success'! She claims that dozens of queries 'flood her inbox' every day!

It just gets better!

BuffySquirrel said...

I had no idea PublishAmerica were putting out a sequel to Atlanta Nights. Does Travis know?

JPFife said...

firsttimeauthoress releases chapter from novel set in Shetlands.

Then ...

http://news.aol.co.uk/
quake-shakes-shetland-islands/
article/20090115035023194573476

Coincidence?

Anonymous said...

Hey Michele! How about a photo of you, Norbert and Smock the red, smooth-coated, short-haired, miniature Dachshund you own?

And what did you do to Shetland, move it two hundred miles closer to Norway? You'd have to do that to be able to see the Norwegian shore. And according to your own map, it's the Norwegian Sea, not the Atlantic...

Anonymous said...

Michele, what's on the menu for you and Norbert tonight - vanilla fudge in marinade with a pinch of garlic? Does Smock the Dachshund eat at the bistro too?

Anonymous said...

When she first posted, she said her father wanted her to marry the local tweed producer. In Chapter One he's the local baker who has acquired an 'empire' which seems to be barely enough to cover his funeral expenses and outstanding debts.

And the father, Mr. McMahon. One minute he's using a gruff Scottish brogue and then he's English upper class with "a small guiness will suffice". And a Scottish girl would never say she misses her MOMMY. That's American English.

And then she says she's resisting changes to the text by her publisher!

firsttimeauthoress said...

Hey Bogambo, as for the English, it's all British. English and scottish people are all British and live in the UK, so with television and all that some of what one group says will rub off on the other. Use your head.

I haven't decided what to have for dinner yet tonight, but I might just pop a pizza in the oven and wash it down with a diet Coke. Vanilla Fudge sounds nice, though.

Yes, I do have photos of poor little Smock the sausage dog. he's a winner.

Yes, Mr. McMahon. I got that a bit mixed up but in the early draughts he was a tweed producer but then I'd have to learn how to run a mill and it would be too much to cram into an already crowded picture so I made him a baker. good observation that, shows your paying attention!

Mommy, a yea, force of habit, of course English people say Mumsy. I'll change it. Thanx for that input.

And FYI, you CAN see Norway from Unst. I did.

Now let me explain Scooter libby. I thought it was blatantly obivous but let's go. He was the fall guy who took the fall for Dick Cheyney. I'm a republican, gop and all that, but I think poor old Scooter shouldn't have took the fall for he was just a little cog in a big whell.

And so far my site has taken over 230 hits and the negative comments are only here, not there!

Linda Callaway said...

Thanks for the good laugh! Also, I love "Writer Beware" so there...my two cents worth.

ALC said...

It's people like FTA that make sane, reasonable conservatives look bad. Please do not assume that we are all insane. Most of my friends are quite rational, sensible people.

And, again, could we please move on to something new?

I believe we have all established the following:

1. FTA is either MGR or a nutty friend or relative.

2. FTA is functionally illiterate AND mentally unbalanced.

3. FTA is enjoying all of this attention. Apparently this person is starved for any form of recognition be it good, bad or ugly.

4. Any further discussion of FTA's terrible prose, poor research skills, functional illiteracy, etc. is effectively highjacking this blog.

I believe we can safely assume that any innocent passers-by will be able to readily discern the incompetence level of MGR for "taking on" such a hopeless client.

Until she comes up with a new scam I think we can all rest easy.

BuffySquirrel said...

Okay, Mumsy, anything you say....

Anonymous said...

Right on.

Anonymous said...

ALC, some of us are clearly enjoying this thread, I think you should respect that. It is not 'hijacking' the blog. the comments are being made in a thread about this post. Anyone who's tired of it need only steer clear. I respect your opinion and the fact that you want to discuss something else. But I don't think you should keep insisting that the rest of us shut up just because you're tired of it. If you're tired of it, well, life is full of other things to do and I'm sure that as soon as another topic is up, people will begin discussing it. I for one am enjoying this, it's hilarious. We all get stressed at work and more than one person has said that the posts are amusing. So please stop forcing your will on us.

ALC said...

I'm not "forcing my will" on you, Einstein. You are just as welcome to disregard my suggestion as anyone.

Kelly Moran said...

Wow! Um, I think I'm speechless.
Best of luck with this one!
~K

Anonymous said...

Why call me Einstein. When did I make any claim to special knowledge. Why can't you respect that not everyone has the same likes. You're not very polite.

Sally Zigmond said...

Come on. Let's not get silly over this and fall out. We will all end up the losers and FTA/MGR the winner.

However, being English first and British second (so I know, right?) I have to say that even though we have TV, radio, internet (yes, really) there is a huge diversity between us. And everyone knows the Scots hate the English, southern and northern English folks don't understand each other and everybody hates the Welsh. (that's a joke, by the way.)

And as for 'Mumsy', someone has obviously swallowed the definitive Dick Van Dyke book of English pronunciation and usage again, haven't they?

Anonymous said...

Sally wrote:

However, being English first and British second (so I know, right?) I have to say that even though we have TV, radio, internet (yes, really) there is a huge diversity between us. And everyone knows the Scots hate the English, southern and northern English folks don't understand each other and everybody hates the Welsh. (that's a joke, by the way.)

OK, but what has this got to do with 'a small guiness will suffice' and Scottish dialect. Could you be more specific? Would a Scottish person say that or is it really English upper class?

JPFife said...

Quote from firsttimeauthoress: "Hey Bogambo, as for the English, it's all British. English and scottish people are all British and live in the UK, so with television and all that some of what one group says will rub off on the other. Use your head."

Hang on dear lady, I'll have to call you to task on that one. I'm a Fifer (in case the name I post under isn't clear) and not only is Scots considered a language in itself but there are places a deep fried Mars Bar throw away from each other that have trouble understanding each other.

It is in no way "all British." No such thing. The Fife accent is totally different from Edinburgh, which is again different from the Weegies and don't get me started on Doric which can be heard in and around Aberdeen. In fact there's a great song by Andy Stewart where he sings his way around Scotland, mimicking the various accents.

Also: "Mommy, a yea, force of habit, of course English people say Mumsy. I'll change it. Thanx for that input."

That'll get you a sore face in Scotland because, as Sally mentions, we go to great lengths to tell people we Scots ARE NOT ENGLISH. I would also have to add that Shetlanders don't really consider themselves Scottish.

Marissa Doyle said...

On a completely different, and much pleasanter subject... congratulations on the Special Award from the SFWA that I saw on Publishers Lunch today, Victoria!

ALC said...

I see that everyone is still having a ball pointing out all of FTA's errors. Honestly, this alone could very easily keep this rolling for years as it seems she's not gotten a single thing correct (grammatically or otherwise).

As for my "not being very polite" as (Annonymous) put it - well, I don't think your little dittie directed at me was very polite.

As I said, I have no power to "force my will on you" or anyone else for that matter. You were welcome to say, "sorry, we're all still having barrels of fun with this one" or some such - or to just outright ignore my comments. But, apparently you don't like my expressing a different opinion about what's happening so you took my comment a little too personally.

My prior point - when the scammer starts to "enjoy" it, it's not entertaining anymore - is valid. (It's my opinion, mind you, and I'm welcome to express it. - You're just as welcome to disagree. But, it wasn't necessary to attack me for expressing sed opinion just to make yourself feel better about continuing your posts, now was it?)

As far as "forcing my will" on the rest of the posters in this or any blog goes, unless I can literally hide within the net with some magical blogger machine gun pointed at you, I don't think you have anything to worry about.

BTW, if my points hadn't been valid they probably wouldn't have bothered you. You probably wouldn't have even given them a second glance.

You'll notice a post by VS that states: "Folks, Ms. Authoress is trying to game us. Perhaps we could let her talk to herself for a while." - Which is precisely when a new "annonymous" poster popped in. At least the tone & writing style appear to have suddenly changed dramatically in some of the annonymous comments that started immediately afterwards.

My guess is that if everyone else stopped posting comments, FTA & a certain "annonymous" poster would continue to have a hearty banter. Maybe that's why a certain ANNYM poster got annoyed with my comments to begin with. Could it be that, as VS suspected, MGR & cohorts are trying to "game" us?

You'll all also notice a later VS post that ends with:
"- Bingo. The satirical comments here begin (written, I'm guessing, by at least two different people). Now the Firsttimeauthoress blog (Seriousscifiwriter remains offline) has been turned into a joke blog, to further the pretense. Ha ha ha! We did it for the lulz! Dumb Writer Beware readers, for taking it all seriously! Uh huh."

There have also been a couple of other posters who agreed with my opinion. Are they trying to "force their will on you" as well?

Anyhoo - it seems apparent that FTA HAS been trying to keep this thing rolling along. It also seems apparent that at least "some" of the annonymous postings may have been made to that same end.

Anonymous said...

ALC, not everyone has a google id and thus some people blog anonymously plus, for someone who is tired of the posts, you seem to delight in writing lengthy answers.

Can you tell us which of these 'at least some anonymous posts' are delighting in keeping it going? I think that someone who makes accusations of this sort ought to back them up, especially as you are so solicitous with the posts of others. I also note that you said 'highjack' instead of 'hijack'. Does that mean that you are MGR too? If your observations apply to all posters, then you too are MGR/FTA... We could go on forever...

Anonymous said...

JPFife, I appreciate your comments but you'll have to fill me in on one or two points. First, what is a Weegie?

sorry, but we don't all understand the nuances of Scottish/English/British dialect! Since fta is trying to defend herself on this point, I would love an explanation. I'm sure you would feel the same way about South African, Australian or New Zealand dialects. What would be a red flag for you if someone bummed a Scottish dialect. I've heard many complaints, for nstance, about Mel Gibson in Braveheart and Scottish accents in other movies?

This is interesting to me and something I'd love to understand more, not just a reason to keep this discussion going. We can all learn from all input...

Arwen Taylor said...

Methinks Firsttimeauthoress is now doing it for the lulz.

Pen Pen said...

Can u be good at writing but SUCK at spelling and grammar?! -- just a question not really to do with this lady... Let me know what u think!!

http://sugarspundreams.blogspot.com/

JPFife said...

Hi Anonymous, Weegie is a commonly used nickname for Glaswegians.

One of the problems created by having a Scotsman talk as an Englishman isn't a dialect one but a cultural one, and not limited to Scotland/England. Scots in general don't have a problem with bad accents, it's bad assumptions that get us riled.

This isn't limited to Scotland/England, there are also assumptions that Belgians are French, Austrians German, New Zealanders Australians, etc. I'm sure most of America would get the hump if everyone assumed that because they said they were American they were by definition Californians. (Not only assuming it but sometimes insisting on it.) And it doesn't help that the English themselves are as ignorant on the matter as everyone else (you can still hear the phrase 'England is an island').

The accents/dialects are really secondary and fta wont gain any credibility by misrepresenting Scots in such a way. I can appreciate it's a very subtle problem but getting it wrong, like fta has, makes it glaringly obvious. And as I mentioned some Shetlanders don't even consider themselves Scottish.

BuffySquirrel said...

Pen Pen--depends how you define "good at writing". Some of us would argue that good writing requires appropriate spelling and grammar. Can you have a terrific plot, storyline, etc without good spelling and grammar? Definitely! But you'll have a hard time persuading anyone to read it, never mind publish it.

Learn the basics--you're only holding yourself back if you don't.

Barbara Doran said...

PenPen - The work you send to the publisher and/or editor should be the best it can be.

If you have a problem like dyslexia you'll definitely want a trusted pre-editor to check you first.

Sadly, pre-editors aren't possible when commenting on the web.

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'll move the setting to a remote Candadian island instead if the language does'nt seem to be working but then I'd have to remove all the Scotch dialect and vocabulary. Damnit! fta

Anonymous said...

Opaque argot is when someone tries to sound fancy and use very specific jargon but, instead of sounding erudite, comes off sounding boring and pompous.

The French ambassador called on the president and said that our new trade deal was an excellent peice of negotiating and was finalized according to international law.

Opaque argot version:

His Excellency the Ambassador of France to the United States attended a session with the President today to express his opinion that the recently signed trade deal was, in terms of negotiation, a paragon of quintessence and lay completely within the bounds of international jurisprudence.

Deb said...

I deeply sympathize with Firsttime's "plot unraveling" issues. Some of my plots do that. Not all of them, thank heaven...

Maybe, just MAYBE the reason she can't get her MSs looked at is tied up with the spelling/grammar challenges already noted?

Just wondering.

Anonymous said...

Part "1.2" of her book has gone online today along with another pro-Palin rant. Very amusing!

Anonymous said...

I sent off my specially prepared submission package for my novel to a number of publishers. The package included a special folder, postcards of my hometown mounted on cardboard, pics of my children and dogs in the place the book was set in, letters of recommendation from my teachers saying how much they enjoyed the book (on letterheaded paper to remove any doubt of fraud), the first three chapters in double spaced type etc. just like they prefer with an enticing hint at how the book ends to wet their appetite and illustrations and maps that I drew myself or had my kids draw to put a friendly touch to the book. No luck. But now I have an agent who is sometimes maligned just like this woman here but as she is an agent she thinks she has a better chance of getting the submission package noticed. Anything I pay her (she hasn't asked for a cent yet) will be discounted from future royalties so that I won't be out of pocket. She says that a publisher is already interested. However, there are some sundry charges to be paid up front for copyright, advertising and binding (but these too will be deducted from the publisher and/or agent's future royalties. They also said that they'll put my own drawing in the book rather than have to pay to commission their regular artist. That seems to show some good will on their part because they could ask me for the artist's fee as well. So I suppose it's worth a shot. Sometimes you have to look on the bright side. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Janet said...

Anonymous 11:04, you have just made an almost perfect list of how to do everything wrong. Everything you did there screams "amateur who hasn't done any research". I'm not saying this to be harsh, but anybody reading your comment has got to know this is not how to be taken seriously. Personal pictures? Recommendations from teachers? Maps your kids drew? No wonder there was no interest.

If your new agent is sending out your submission package as is, it's proof positive she's either clueless or a complete fraud. Charges for copyright? Big red flag. The publisher takes care of copyright. Taking your pictures to save you artist fees? Big, big red flag. Run, don't walk, to the nearest exit and spend some time learning how the industry really works. Somebody is taking advantage of your naivete.

Victoria Strauss said...

Folks, Anonymous 11:04 is either making a funny or being a troll. No way that post is for real. Please give it the consideration it deserves--i.e., giggle if you're inclined, and then move on.

Jane Smith said...

Janet, I was assuming that Anonymous's posting was a wind-up because of the large number of red flags it contained; but you were right to point them out, just in case they weren't.

But still. Count them all. If it's upfront, I'm staggered.

Janet said...

I figured it was worth saying something just in case somebody else took it seriously. It's amazing what people will fall for. But I'll let it rest now. ;o)

Anonymous said...

It is, nonetheless, possible to make it in the biz without a literary agent. Isaac Asimov (and this he himself proudly stated more than once in his books) NEVER, not even for one day, had a literary agent. He was contemptuous of them, recognizing them for what they are. And you can't question the Good Doctor.

Anonymous said...

I'm joining this discussion rather late but I have a different take on it. You seem to put literary agents into two categories: the genuine and the scammers. To me, they are all the same. There are two groups of people I simply can't stand. One is record company executives. They roped me in during my teenage years with all sorts of special editions, collectors editions, all worth nothing today. Limited? Yeah, limited to two million or as many as they could sell. Now they complain that 95% of music is downloaded illegally. Great! I hope it soon reaches 110%. God, how i hate those people!

And then there's the people in publishing. They put me through hell. When I was 25, I had a book ready. Today I recognize that it was NOWHERE near good enough. But when you're younger, you don't see it like that. My novel was just a mixed rehashing of my favorite books, a kind of nod to my favorite writers. But instead of just taking a quick look and telling me to give up or start over, they got me into the whole rigmarole of this goddamned 'query' crap they go on about. I had to pay someone to prepare it because I had no idea what they wanted. To this day, I don't know what the devil that stupid thing is supposed to be. They made me jump through the hoops alright. Eventually, I recognized that I simply wasn't going to get anywhere with my writing and concentrated on my career instead. But my memories of my contacts with the so-called legitimate agents are not very pleasant. they came off as a bunch of fussy, stuck up morons who took delight in messing you around and playing power games. But now the book industry is set for the same path as the music industry. It is true that they have been more careful and a lot less stupid than recording executives, but the internet is the future for publishing and we'll be able to do it on our own without these a-hole middle men to mess you about. Psychological torture is a crime that's difficult to prove, so they get away with it. I was left badly damaged for years. So you can be a 'legit' agent or a 'scammer' agent, I don't care. They're all the same. In recent years, I've taken up writing again and use WB to help prepare the ground and avoid pitfalls. But I see self-publishing on the web as the future and look forward to seeing agents and publishers as bag ladies! I might throw them a quarter from time to time... if they prepare a good query letter giving me a good reason to do so.

wwwwolf said...

Creating fake blogs with one post in which where everyone can check that they were written by a same person: A very massive flub indeed.

Creating, again, fake blogs with one post in which where everyone can check that they were written by a same person and waving a giant red cape in front of the people who discovered and exposed those blog posts last few times: (I don't know what to say, the stupidity is just off the scale.)

This is priceless. People have documented the antics of the dumb criminals, but I'm glad we have some people who also comprehensively document the dumbest of the dumb blog sockpuppetry...

Anonymous said...

I first encountered Michele Glance Serwach/Rooney in 1991. I suspected her of being a preditor and have tested the theory now twice. The first time in 1992 was not as definitive as my recent test. This time I sent a query on the book in question to a couple publishers just before I contacted her. I gave everyone the same information and gave her a week to respond. Two days later a publisher wrote a very promising response to my query. She has yet to respond. I have now twice sent her certain sales, and twice seen nothing in return. Yes she charges a reading fee for one book then various office fees etc. thereafter. Real agents don't charge fees. With the very first book I sent her she only made superficial suggestions (changing the titles of chapters to fit the thematic title of the book). Having edited and rewritten as needed for classroom application, I doubt seriously she read it with an editor's eye.